i have measured out my life in coffee spoons.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 05:16:45 GMT

in favor of a sensitive man

men that eat the mud pies you make and pretend to like them,
swallowing twigs and fragments of birds nests,
complimenting you on your culinary genius.
a man who remembers the poems you wrote him long ago,
remembers you as a girl dancing in a pool of tears,
gluing feathers to your arms, knitting scarves out of words,
a girl who was a staunch atheist, yet she believed in faeries and witchy brews,
who drank dark teas and pale ales.
a girl who's eyes were gray or were they blue?
who laughed too loud but laughed from her belly,
from the womb where all woman folk magic and mystery is kept.
who dreamt of kissing you on the train, scared you'd laugh in her face
for thinking thoughts that you might have to scream in front of a jury of her peers.
her skin swollen and itchy from the damp grass you preferred to sit on, yet she sat there
just the same, swallowing your secrets, and anything you gave her
stale water in a glass, the dregs at the bottom of a vase, flower juice
pungent and biological and human.
waking up in a cold sweat, when you went away,
a ghost tried to touch her in her sleep, and left a bruise on her thighs,
like purple potatoes that are only in season briefly, and at a strange time,
an in between time.
she sat on her hands for years waiting for you to ask her to dance,
or buy her cough drops or let her read your tarot cards, even though you don't believe
in that sort of thing.
a sensitive man is moody and fleeting.
he might open the door for you,
and then let you just walk through it, and away without following,
no fresh drool on his boots from longing.
the way an old man longs for some girl he once knew,
for a fortnight or so and then never called.
i left the poem for you on the dresser, near the socks i knew you would wear that day.
the folds lay flat, i knew you wouldn't dare read it in front of me.
i don't even check to see if it ends in the waste basket,
i spare myself the hurt, i just put on a bunch of sweaters and turn up the heat.
i find some wide open prairie and laugh at myself,
loud and abrasive like a goat, like a martyr, like a baby that came too soon.
i bathe in hot milk and imagine , this is what the breath of a hundred lovers feels like
on your skin.
a sensitive man comes in a puts his hands on your forehead,
as if to sooth a fever, looks at your body like its a painting,
without blushing, he says your bones and muscles are familiar to him.
i dance alone in the apartment, wondering if you think of me,
if you found the poem, if you read it to yourself in the bathroom,
or if you let the wind take it from you, some great big owl that burst through the window
insisting that my laugh was too loud for you.

it was all for a laugh.

you wanted to forget.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 21:43:08 GMT

i can't believe i'm nineteen!

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 03:33:32 GMT

everything is green and witchy latey,
but the good side of the occult, ritualistic and simple.

i am becoming very comfortable with myself, it's freeing,
and i think everyone should be nude as much as possible

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:13:57 GMT

i love being in Kauai with my love, who looks like a sea otter,
and i remembered how much i love surfing, and i'm going to grow my hair,
down to my hips and spray sea salts and oils into it so it becomes mermaid hair.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:42:03 GMT

i wil not be afraid of my hallucinations,
i will be a half breed mermaid and a reptile woman,
i will dive into the sapphire blue mud that is my mind.

Mon, 18 May 2009 05:39:10 GMT

it seems that no matter how many plans you make,
life always gives you twists and turns,
that uncertainty made me queasy at first,
but now i see that, that's what makes life so beautiful.
i can no longer think about the past.
those days and the feelings, and people that belonged to them,
and now dust covered ghosts. i cannot afford to sit another
languid hour and recount all my mistakes again.
i have a new plan for my education, and this time it is actually
going to work out not because of the plan but because i
am finally ready to give it every drop of sweat and every fiber that i have.
i'm so excited for this summer, to just be at home with my friends and family for a while.
i'm excited for pool parties, and flea markets, and dinner parties,
and roller rink parties,and sleeping under the stars in Hawaii,
i am so excited for our new place, and for home decorating, and ikea mega trips
and most of all, I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR BURNING MAN!!!!!
they accepted my scholarship ticket application and my ticket finally came in the mail!!
it's so beautiful i will put it in my scrapbook and keep it forever!
this summer is going to be so, so beautiful, and it all starts in just 3 weeks!!!

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:56:40 GMT

let the blossoming begin, now
has an official online store!
please check it out!

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=7187753

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:18:30 GMT

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 10:39:26 GMT

new year, new quarter, new leaf.
this year things are going to be a supernova,
bigger, and brighter than all the other
stars ( which are actually our baby teeth, that we loose and throw up to the sky),
i have previously collected.
i'm actually doing this college thing with real guts, and nourishment.
i'm finally learning how to speak french, and spending many hours
planning the great europe expedition that we are embarking on this summer.
when you are young and free, the world really is your oyster.
"it's all happening". wearing lots of velvet, some light, but exciting drug experimentation,
a beautiful person to love, and a love that only gets stronger each day.
so what if i like to wear head to toe velvet, it's so stimulating to do it.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 09:40:22 GMT

The Proust Questionare.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
completely naked.
laying on the chest of my one true love,
in a warm, clean, bed, in a room filled with naturally beautiful lighting,
after a hot shower and a nice cup of tea, on a Sunday afternoon

What is your greatest fear?
dying alone, having done nothing.

Which living person do you most admire?
My Mother.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
lack of sympathy

What is your greatest extravagance?
skin care, and pretty little things

What is your favorite journey?
the journey home, or to a new destination

On what occasion do you lie?
when it makes me feel better about myself.

Which living person do you most despise?
the collective ugliness of the world, transformed
into a man.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"i love you" and "i'm sorry

What is your greatest regret?
getting lost, and not staying true to myself.

Where and when were you the happiest?
when i was little, whenever we went to england.

What is your current state of mind?
peaceful, and quiet.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
the quality of my skin, and my constant longing

What do you consider your greatest achievement.
moving away from home, and starting my new life in Santa Cruz

If you were to die and comeback as a person or a thing, what would it be?
one of the plastic miniature deers , wearing the bindi's we stuck on their foreheads;
on my bedside table.

What is your most treasured possession?
my heart

What do regard as the lowest depth of misery?
the momments when i absolutely hate myself,
and being without the man who loves you.

Where would like to live?
in the countryside, near Amsterdam,
in a little victorian style house

What is your favorite occupation?
writers and artists, and people
who sell flowers at the farmers market.

What is your most marked characteristic?
my maturity,my anaylitical-ness and my childlike, and very young soul

What is the quality you like most in a man?
a quiet intelligence, a young heart, and a great vibe.

What is the quality you like most in a woman?
being wild and carefree, and knowing what it means to truly,
deeply, be a woman.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jonathan Safran Foer, Antoine Saint Exupre,
Jk Rowling, Lynn Lifshin, Mian Mian, Audrey Niffeneger.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Harry Potter, Henry Detamble, Oscar Schnell.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Lorenzo de la Loza, Natanjah Drisscoll,
Gillian Hodgson

What is that you most dislike?
feeling bad.

How would you like to die?
asleep, beautiful, and happy.
in a dream.

What is your motto?
"i love you"

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:23:45 GMT

what a weird, weird, day.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 21:53:05 GMT

new hair!

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 06:13:50 GMT

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 06:54:21 GMT

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 01:16:14 GMT

gives me goosebumps.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:34:00 GMT

today me and the love decided to drive up to san francisco.
we were equipped with:

- ferdinand, our miniature deer
- some starfish sunglasses
- declarations and predictions for the future
- a hand made headdress
- $30 in ones
- a full tank of gas
- a picnic
- and love, love, all you need is love

today, was a wonderful day.

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:29:14 GMT

you're all i have.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BE APART OF MY COMPASSIONATE ART PROJECT!!

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:55:18 GMT

http://longlostloveletters.blogspot.com

life lately.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 22:59:53 GMT

my new life and new home in santa cruz is pretty fantastic so far.
my new found sense of independence is so refreshing,
for the first time in years i really feel like
i'm coming into myself, my true self.
in the weeks preparing for the big move, i would have night mares about
falling apart, going broke, and feeling as if i had lost my family.
all these fears have been blown to smithereens, burst apart and
flown far, far away from me. my days consist of going to ballet class,
and taking psychology in the evenings. sleeping in, making lots of
glorious meals, smoking as much marijuana as my heart desires,
afternoon delights, dance parties, and starting tuesday,
working as a waitress at a lovely little indian resturant.
life is so beautiful, all i want to do is live and love!

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:22:57 GMT

I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 02:56:42 GMT

and so, we now live in santa cruz.
our room is beautiful and quaint.
our bathroom is clean and safe,
and we have made a nest out of the walk-in closet.
life is so fucking beautifulawesomepeacefulperfect right now.

p.s. tomorrow i will be eighteen!!

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 01:51:42 GMT

things couldn't be better!

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:47:59 GMT

Yosemite is so beautiful!
the house we're staying in has a long, long pool,
and when you swim along it, every time you come up for air;
all you see is mountains and the tallest trees i've ever seen,
and a bright, blue, open sky. i can't wait to collect nature artifacts,
and swim in the waterfalls.

being up here makes me want to wear my birkenstocks, and take long walks, and listen to beach house all day.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:01:58 GMT

TODAY, I AM GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:58:51 GMT

i just want to be a little jellyfish under the sea.
no thinking, just floating and glowing.

i think i might be going crazy.